You are here
Church of England Synod finally gives go ahead to Women Bishops
A Satirical Essay
By David W. Virtue DD
www.virtueonline.org
July 16, 2014
Will the Synod please come to order?
The Archbishop of Canterbury will now address Synod.
“My brothers and sisters, we have reached a crucial, indeed critical stage, in the life and development of the Church of England. Today, God has called us to a higher understanding of his will for (wo)mankind. Today, we told God that the Church of England has finally come into the 21st Century and will now have women at His altar, despite all historical and biblical evidence against it.
“The Church of England, which as you know is slowly atrophying and dying, will, we believe, grow and prosper with women bishops, just as it has done for the past 20 years with women priests. In short, it will make a profound difference to churches up and down this great nation of ours as millions will now throw down their Sunday newspapers and head with joy to their local parish. As you know, some 98% of Brits never go near the church and most Brits are more interested in the World Cup than the Cup of Salvation. In fact, there are more worshipping Muslims than worshipping Anglicans in this fair country, but that’s beside the point.
“Nonetheless, the rights of women in England and indeed, women everywhere, are at stake, and it is important that we keep Almay’s in business. It also puts us closer to provinces like The Episcopal Church and the Anglican Church of Canada, which are also growing by leaps and bounds, focusing as they are on anti-racism training, the cross border flight of children and, of course the deadly moral pollution in their respective churches.
“Our Speaker’s Chaplain, the Rev Rose Hudson-Wilkin (who could be the first woman bishop), believes that the prospect of equality is nothing short of a “miracle” and says, as her first miracle, if elected, that she will turn the entire Thames River into wine and hold a huge banquet at the foot of Tower Bridge.
“It’s all in the bag now and we will have body bags for Anglo-Catholics and Evangelicals should they resist God’s total and absolute approval of what we have done.
“The history we have made here today reflects my own idea of progressive revelation both in sexual mores and in my own growing understanding of God’s agenda. Today, we got a whole new understanding of what it means to be a church that truly reflects the people of God and the body of Christ – male and female together in leadership. I can feel the love.”
An Imam who was present agreed saying he would be delighted to provide a rainbow colored hijab to the first woman bishop when she is consecrated.
END
