It's been some time since I re-imagined anything really. I am too busy living in the real world of Episcopal saints (very few) and Episcopal sinners (very many) to give a whole lot of thought as to what The Episcopal Church will look like 50 years hence. It's a daunting task so the best I can do is offer you some oh so humble reflections on The Episcopal Church of the Future. You will forgive me if I pour a double scotch and grab the hem of what's-his-name's garment to pray and plead for wisdom.

First of all, I want to admire you for your tremendous insights into suing for properties that you technically never built nor paid for. Due to the Dennis Canon, you have been able to grab a hold of and keep them. No matter that even when you get them, they are pretty well empty so you are forced to sell them off. What makes this so stunningly brilliant is that you had to spend nearly $70 million (it could be more before this "imagining" process idea is over) to recoup properties that you turn around and have to sell.

I can't imagine what $70 million plus would have done to plant new churches, hire evangelists, and get the word out that "Jesus is Inclusive"...come as you are...you don't even need to be baptized...we are a church for everybody. After all, it's not like you are screaming "Jesus Saves." God forbid. That is far too narrow an understanding of Him who stands over the universe and accepts you just the way you are with no questions about change at all.

I am trying to imagine a church where anything goes but nobody shows. I mean, what's wrong with people? Here we are offering up the Church of What's Happening Now, no hindrance to openly practicing gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgenders, queers, Intersexuals (whatever they are) and anyone else who might wander through the red doors. In the meantime, 6800 Episcopal parishes are slowly shriveling and dying. It beats me. Americans are simply not grateful for all the freebies The Episcopal Church is offering.

I mean, look how effectively you have gotten rid of all those horrid evangelicals and Anglo-Catholics, (in truth fundamentalists) in the church, and filled Episcopal pulpits with sodomites and trannies, the most inclusive people on earth but people are still not showing up. What the hell is the matter with people? Clearly, the word is not getting out so my first suggestion is that you consecrate even more gay and lesbian bishops, pay them $150,000 a year plus all the church's benefits, and get them to hit the media trail to get the word out. Clearly, Gene Robinson has not been as successful as he should have been and might need a smack on his bottom for failing. I'm sure you can find someone to administer that and it should be recorded on video for posterity (if you'll pardon the pun.)

A second thing you should do is to simply toss out the 1979 Prayer Book (it is sooooooo passé) and replace it with Bishop Jack Spong's 12 Theses. He is so with it that young people will eat it up, if they can only recite those theses each Sunday. What a gift to the church. I am sure Beyonce could bounce her bottom to some lyrics and I am doubly sure that top rapper and hip hop music artists like Boyz N Da Hood could really go to town on those Theses. Just give them a chance. It may require a little more "imagining" than you thought, but it is clear you are desperate. Desperate times demand desperate measures.

Then you need to take Charles Bennison, the former Bishop of Pennsylvania's brilliant suggestion, that men wrote the Bible, therefore they can rewrite it. I am surprised this has not been picked up by the powers that be, especially as they seem to be doing a pretty good job reimagining most of the texts in the Bible on sexuality to make them fit the times we live in.

The Episcopal Church could invoke the memory of that well known and much beloved President Thomas Jefferson who cut out all the bits in the New Testament about transcendence and the miracles of Jesus to make it more palatable to Americans.

My final suggestion is that you sell the church's national headquarters in New York City for $60 million and give all the money to the poor as the final act of "reimagining." I can't think of a more generous act by the Church culminating in all the years the church has pled and bled for the poor and fought against unknown racists and homophobes. For such an act of generosity I believe it only appropriate that the Presiding Bishop be awarded an honorary doctorate from the prestigious Oxford University.

My prayers are with you.

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