With a whoop and holler, Katharine Jefferts Schori, the Episcopal Church's presiding bishop, declared to a waiting world, "We have found a racist, in fact a whole team of them." Waving a paper resolution from the Executive Council, the exultant Presiding Bishop declared that the National Football League's Washington Redskins owners are racists and should be expunged from the earth.

"We in TEC have been looking for racists for years and, despite all the anti-racism training, we have not been able to fully identify who is or who is not a racist. The finding this week is akin to discovering that Noah's Ark might have been spherical rather than a long vessel with a pointy bow," said an exultant Presiding Bishop. "This resolution decries the use of pejorative or disparaging team names and we are calling for a national Day of Repentance reminiscent of apologizing to the Vietnamese people for bombing the hell out of those commies in pajama suits."

She said she is hoping that a desk for anti-racism training will now finally be set up at the church's national headquarters in New York City with money coming from the sale of empty and dying Episcopal churches in America. "The money could be better used to fight racism from churches we can sell to the growing Islamic population in America that is in desperate need of mosques," explained the Presiding Bishop.

"The Executive Council is preparing a resolution for the next General Convention apologizing on behalf of all 163 Native Americans in the church who have been harmed by the vile use of this word. It is akin to the 'N' word once heard on the lips of every white male in America. I don't think we can fully atone for that," she said wiping tears from her eyes. "As with homophobia, I think we are finally getting to the bottom of that problem," she said.

Reflecting on her future, Jefferts Schori said, "I may just need another nine years as Presiding Bishop to eliminate racism, homophobism, heterosexism, transgenderism, penis-ism and orthodoxisms from the Church. I plan to reveal that when I receive my honorary doctorate at Oxford."

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