Ray’s decision affects the pending wedding of his own daughter, Catherine, who had planned to be married at St. Thomas’s. She and her future husband have decided to support him by having a civil ceremony instead.

Ray has not responded to several Register requests for comment. But in an interview he granted with The New York Times, he acknowledged he is gay and that he and his wife separated in 1986. They are now divorced.

Ray has been a priest since 1969 and rector of St. Thomas’s since 1985.

Ray’s wedding moratorium decision followed a November vote by St. Thomas’s vestry (its leadership board), asking Ray to "treat same-sex couples and different-sex couples equally when it comes to marriage."

When church member Rich Hodgkins read that letter and a follow-up vestry message issued Jan. 1, he, along with his family decided to find another church where they will feel more comfortable.

Hodgkins, a Hamden resident who is the advertising services manager for the New Haven Register, said it was a painful decision for him as well as for his wife, Phyllis Powell Hodgkins, and their 18-year-old son, Rick.

"We’d really embraced the church," said Hodgkins, who had belonged to St. Thomas’s for 12 years.

"I have plenty of friends who are gay," Hodgkins said. "But I don’t want (to hear) a sermon based on it once a month. I don’t want it to be the focus of the church."

Hodgkins noted Ray generally lets seminarians and other guest speakers raise gay issues in sermons. But Hodgkins asked, "Why is sexuality so much in the sermons? That’s not why I go to church."

Mark Branch, senior warden at St. Thomas’s and a vestry member, said gay sexuality "is certainly not the focus of the church. The focus of St. Thomas’s is children."

Branch said the vestry decision, which came in a 10-1 vote, grew out of discussions among some of the church’s members who have kids. He said Ray did not initiate the move.

According to Branch, gay marriage became a topic at St. Thomas’s in 2003 when the Episcopal Church for the first time ordained an openly gay bishop, Gene Robinson, in New Hampshire.

Branch said this led to a series of open discussions about the issue. "We tried to have an open process before we acted."

Church member Jennifer Brown, a professor at Quinnipiac University Law School and director of that school’s Center on Dispute Resolution, was a leader in those discussions.

Brown said that although it now seems those sessions didn’t give departing families sufficient input, she maintains the large majority of the membership supports the resolution.

"We want our kids to grow up in a parish where they see that people are treated equally on issues of gender and sexual orientation, and where gay couples are valued," Brown said.

But another couple who have left the church, James and Peggy Anderson of Hamden, believe the vestry has overstepped its authority.

James Anderson noted St. Thomas’s is not a congregational church in which members can make their own rules.

"The bishop of Connecticut has total authority," he said.

Bishop Andrew D. Smith said Friday he is aware of the resolution, which also calls on him and the General Convention, the Episcopal Church’s governing body, to take steps toward creating an official marriage rite for same-sex couples.

Smith said the church’s canon law clearly defines marriage as being the union of a man and woman and thus gay marriage is prohibited.

Smith noted that though there are parishes such as St. Thomas’s pressuring for such change, "there is lots of pressure from other parishes never to touch that definition."

He said he doubts the General Convention will vote to change the definition when it next meets in 2006.

Smith said there are possible compromises, such as the blessing of same-sex unions rather than the sacrament of gay marriages.

Meanwhile, Smith called Ray’s moratorium decision "very powerful indeed," although he didn’t endorse it outright.

While James Anderson said the vestry "passed a resolution contrary to what is authorized by the laws of the church," Brown said the resolution itself did not violate church law because it merely made a suggestion to Ray.

Both sides expressed sorrow over the church rift.

"All of the people we’ve been in contact with at St. Thomas’s are wonderful people," said Anderson, a 10-year member. "But we’re 85 and we want out. We don’t want to fight a battle."

"It’s sad for them and it’s hard for us," Branch said. "We recognize this kind of change is painful. We’re all hurt by the fact that people have left."

Hodgkins, who said he is personally undecided on his view of gay marriage, said he and his family spent an "emotional" Christmas Eve attending services at a different Episcopal church. "We were essentially among strangers. It was kind of sad."

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