The first mention of the problem in the Bible is in the Garden of Eden. When Adam was created God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:19) Eve is created, and marriage is launched on the world. In its original form before the Fall, marriage may have satisfied Adam’s loneliness, but that has not always been the case since. I have found that many happily married Christians suffer from loneliness. Why is this? I don’t know all the reasons, nor do I have all the answers, but these are my reflections on the problem and its possible solution.

Our generation has seen the scattering of the family. Many of us who grew up in stable homes and the same community all our lives, have moved all over the world because of our work, and because our affluence has enabled us to move to places like Amelia Island. Divorce has taken its toll. Like ourselves, our children went away to school and found partners from other places, and moved away. Some children rebelled against their parents and chose to live very different lives from them; so much so that they had very little in common with them. Family gatherings prove difficult because of distance, expense, and inclination. Children do not pop in to see their parents on a regular basis. They can’t because they live far away. Communication is over the telephone or by email, rarely in person.

The same is true of siblings. Brothers and sisters used to be close to one another. So did cousins; but no longer. Distance makes it difficult to keep up with one another. One of my aunts died the other day. She was a favorite aunt of mine. I last saw her eight years ago when visiting my home town on the death of my mother. I heard about her death from one of my cousins who emailed me. I could not be at the funeral because it had already taken place in New Zealand by the time I knew about it. Weddings and funerals were the times when families could get together. They still are if families are in the vicinity, but less and less are.

Maintaining friendships over the years is a challenge when we move. The people we grew up with and went to school with, have either stayed in their home town or have moved like us. The couples whose children went to school with ours, and with whom we used to spend so much time, are in another place. The church members we shared group Bible Studies with or were in our Sunday School class have long gone elsewhere. Occasionally we see them and get together for a meal to catch up on the news, but it is oh so rare.

Approximately one in five American families move house each year. Even on Amelia Island people move after a few years to another house or condo, or downsize, or move back to be nearer their children.

Because of all this movement it is hard to put roots down and build community. Over the years we have been in so many churches, and groups, building relationships, that we have grown weary of the effort to do it yet again.

Some of us are naturally gregarious, and go to everything. We get involved in the church and in the community, we join associations, auxiliaries, societies, boards. We play tennis, golf, bridge, and mahjongg. We attend every event, every club social, and go to the Symphony and the Jaguars. Those of us who keep busy, keep loneliness at bay for awhile until we cannot do those things any more, and we find ourselves with time on our hands, and very little energy to do any of the things we used to find enjoyable.

There are many of us who are not clubby people. We don’t want to go to every event. We are not athletic. We would prefer just a few, good friends who share our interests. We like to have control over our time, so we don’t get involved in many organizations that would demand too much of us. We appreciate it when others invite us to do something with them, if it is something we enjoy. We tend to respond to the invitations of others rather than initiating them ourselves. We are more introverted, more shy, more private. We have experienced deep friendships in the past and don’t understand why it is so much more difficult to develop them later in life.

The fact of the matter is that the older we get the more difficult it becomes to make the effort required to cultivate satisfying relationships. We get more set in our ways. we don’t want to commit ourselves to engagements too far in advance. We don’t want to have to cook and entertain at home as much as we used to so we see each other at restaurants.

Is it no wonder that many people feel lonely? What can we do about it?

Jesus told us to love one another; that love for one another is the mark by which the world will know that we are his disciples. He said to his disciples, “I have called you friends.” (John 15:15) The church is meant to be a family, a community of brothers and sisters in Christ. This does not come about automatically. It takes time and effort to develop.

It is natural that we go to church to have our own needs met. Yet going to church is attending a family gathering. It is a time to catch up with one another. It is an opportunity for us to take an interest in one another, to care for one another, to volunteer to help one another, to commit ourselves to participate in a family activity on another day of the week – perhaps a class, or the choir, or a committee, a lunch or breakfast. When we come to family gatherings we try to speak to everybody. We don’t just arrive in time for the meal and leave afterwards without having talked with the rest of the family.

If we want to develop community we have to take the time necessary to make friends. We have to be prepared to commit ourselves to something bigger than ourselves. Dag Hammarskjold once said, “Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.”

We can justify our loneliness by criticizing the church, or our neighborhood as being unfriendly. We may feel that we have tried to be friendly and the effort was not reciprocated. There are always plenty of reasons to complain. Churches and neighbors can be unfriendly. People don’t always rise to our expectations. There is no perfect situation that will meet all our needs. We may be unrealistic. But whining does not solve our problem.

At bottom we have to ask the Lord our God what he wants us to do with our lives. That should be our constant, daily prayer. He has told us that we should love one another. Let us get on with it by reaching out to others, by taking an interest in the lives of others, and by building the family of God in this place, at this time in our lives. We cannot go home again, but we can build the family of God right here, right now. That is our vocation, our divine purpose. When we do this, I think we will meet our human need for friendship.

The Rev. Ted Schroder is pastor of the chapel on Amelia Island Plantation in Florida