Bishop J. Neil Alexander: Katharine, I think we need to cool our jets a bit. Remember, those 10 Primates represent 80% of the Anglican Communion…

Jefferts Schori interrupting: I don’t want to hear that Neil. We have 16 dioceses of our own and I know we could collect a goodly number of CofE parishes including some serious cathedral deans who think like we do. We could seriously embarrass Rowan right on his own turf. We can also count on Fred [Hiltz] Canada, and Carlos (Touche Porter) of Mexico, not to mention Thabo (Makgoba) of Southern Africa and Phillip (Aspinall) of Australia. You know how much he hates Jensen’s guts. He’d love to have them for garters, but they don’t wear them down under. I can also put a call into Barry (Morgan) of Wales, if push comes to shove, Rowan’s old turf. Now that’s a kick in the “you know whatsits” (laughter). Rowan has got enough trouble on his hands with fleeing Anglo-Catholic bishops, clergy and laity to Rome. This would be a double embarrassment for him. I can also withhold money and hang that over him…ditto for the Anglican Consultative Council.

Alexander: Don’t you think that is a little harsh Kate?

Jefferts Schori: Listen, Neil, if you want to be the next PB, you had better stiffen your spine a bit more. We are in a battle for properties and money. You could be selling one heck of a lot of properties to pay David’s (Booth Beers) legal fees after I retire.

Alexander: Sorry, Katherine….

Jefferts Schori: As I was saying, it is time we turned loose our homosexual brothers and sisters on Rowan and the Global South and REALLY rip them about their homophobia. Send Changing Attitude and Integrity BIG checks. Set them up to attack the political leaders of Kenya, Uganda and Nigeria. Then morph it into the Anglican provinces and accuse their Primates of homophobia. No effort must be spared or stone unturned. We MUST turn the Anglican Communion around. When this meeting is over, get me Philip Groves in London on the line. I need him to be more proactive about the Listening Process…we need to turn up the heat everywhere…

Bishop Jerry Lamb: Don’t you think that could backfire on us if we press too hard, Katharine? Groves is basically a collection agency of views about homosexuality…

Jefferts Schori: The hell he is. He’s been given over a million bucks by a retired gay priest to push our side…see that he does so with more vigor. He has been too silent of late. If there is any weakness, we need to exploit it. Don’t forget we have some deep pockets.

We need to focus more on Africa. Southern Africa is in our back pocket. Nigeria, Uganda, Kenya, Rwanda and West Africa are lost, but we should go to work on Burundi and the Congo. Sudan is a mixed bag. That Dang Bul fellow…

Alexander: That’s Daniel Deng Bull Kate…and he really hates the whole homosexual cause. Don’t you remember, he gave an impromptu press conference at Lambeth 2008 blasting sodomy?

Jefferts Schori continuing: I sense weakness there. Ply him with more money from Episcopal Relief and Development (ERD), and the United Thank offering (UTO). I will put a call into Trinity Wall Street and twist some arms about their use of funds for our purposes.

Bishop Alexander: Smart thinking, Katharine. I don’t think we should write off Africa. Central Africa is weak. Some of the dioceses there are very vulnerable and money can do a lot to swing things our way. Think Malawi.

Jefferts Schori: Our domestic situation needs beefing up. I want a plan on my table, David, about how we are going to deal with Bishop Mark Lawrence in South Carolina. I want him gone!

David Booth Beers: Katherine, we need to tread carefully here. The Dennis Canon has been legally ruled out in South Carolina.

Jefferts Schori: I don’t give a damn about that. Work on the SC Forum dissidents. They are our best bet. Find someone who has heard Lawrence say he wants to take the diocese out of TEC.

Beers: But Katharine, he has not done that. In fact, he has said the opposite.

Jefferts Schori (shouting): FIND someone, David! I want this troublesome bishop out of my hair. Send Bonnie Anderson down there, again. You know how much I dislike the woman, but she has her uses.

Beers: Very well, it is your call Kate.

Jefferts Schori: What I am really concerned about is Rowan’s devotion to prayer. Frankly, I don’t pray that much, but clearly he does. I mainly meditate when I am on planes that bounce around a bit. If he starts hearing from God that pansexuality is bad for the church, he could deep six all our attempts to change the church’s thinking and teaching. That would be disastrous. The man scares me. On the one hand, he seems to be on our side, talking up homophobia. Then he says things that get Colin Coward’s knickers all in a twist because he keeps talking about the big picture and how we need to hold the communion together and to listen to each other. That fellow Ravensbruck’s book The Shadowmancer….

Alexander: That’s Charles Raven and his book is Shadow Gospel

Jefferts Schori: …it paints Rowan as something of an Hegelian looking for a synthesis to resolve the problems of the communion. We need to keep that going. On no account must “prayer” be made to resolve this. Keep Rowan dithering backwards and forwards. On no account must he be allowed to resolve anything. Rowan must be seen as a brilliant negotiator, when in fact he is weak, prevaricating and compromising. That can work to our advantage…on no account must Rowan actually hear anything from God…it could ruin everything we have spent a decade building up…

Alexander: But what if…

Jefferts Schori interrupting: …There are no “what ifs”, Neil. There is only power and who holds the keys to the TEC checkbook…

END