On August 8, 2011, our LGBTQIA Office circulated its own list of gay-friendly churches. The taxpayer-funded endorsements went out to the following five churches:

1. St. Jude's Metropolitan Community Church
19 N. 26th Street, Wilmington, NC 28405
Telephone: 910-762-5833
http://www.stjudesmcc.org/
e-mail: stjudes@bellsouth.net

This is not a shocker. St. Jude's is the gayest church in town. What is shocking, however, is that the church is named after St. Jude who specifically condemned homosexuality is his short New Testament epistle. The St. Jude website says "We believe in Christian social action, confronting the injustice of poverty, racism, homophobia, sexism, class-ism and all the ways we separate ourselves from one another." It is unclear whether their proposed "social action" in opposition to "homophobia" will include trying to kick St. Jude out of the New Testament for uttering hate speech. Hey Jude, don't make it bad. It's genetic, remember?

2. Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Wilmington
4313 Lake Avenue
Wilmington, N.C. 28403
email: office@uufwilmington.org

The Unitarians seem to believe in pretty much everything. That's good news for LGBTQIAs who support gay marriage. But I wonder how they feel about welcoming Muslims who support stoning homosexuals. Is that acceptable to the Universalists? I would think so. Most Universalists I know like to get stoned on a fairly regular basis.

3. Church of the Servant
4925 Oriole Drive, Wilmington, NC 28403
Telephone: 910.395.0616
e-mail: admin@cosepiscopal.com

I think Church of the Servant is a pretty bad name for a gay-friendly church. What about Church of the Master? I mean, what if a gay couple is into all those games of dominance and submission? Shouldn't a truly diverse congregation serve both the dominant and submissive partner?

4. Lutheran Church of Reconciliation
7500 Market Street
Wilmington, NC 28411
Telephone: 910-686-4742

This is good news for Michele Bachmann - the candidate I support for president. If this church really is open to Ls, Bs, Gs, Ts, Qs, Is, and As then, surely, they will welcome ex gays (Xs), too. And if they welcome ex gays they cannot exclude someone just because they think it's possible to become an ex gay. I think the Bachmanns have found a new path to reconciliation within the Lutheran Church.

5. First Presbyterian Church
125 South Third Street
Wilmington, NC 28401
Telephone: 910-762-6688

I think this really makes perfect sense. Presbyterians are into that whole predestination thing. The gays are into that whole gay gene thing. I think they've found a common thread in deterministic thinking. Well, I guess you could say it was bound to happen.

All kidding aside, the stupidity of this list of recommended churches should be self-evident - even to atheists who get gas when they see a cross near Ground Zero. Even they must admit that the University of North Carolina at Wilmington LGBTQIA Office would never be willing to take the time to come up with a list of churches for people who want to hear the two most important truths about homosexuality:

1) It is unequivocally sinful according to both the Old and New Testaments (remember St. Jude?), and 2) God wants you to avoid homosexuality because He loves you and He knows it will hurt you badly, not to mention end your life prematurely. That is why God gave you free will instead of a gay gene.

Of course, I say that the UNCW LGBTQIA Office would never be willing to come up with such a list. But it wouldn't hurt to write them and find out (see http://uncw.edu/lgbtqia/). If they refuse, there might be a little problem with the separation of gay church and state. And we might have to add B.S. to alphabet soup of homosexual victimhood.

----Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Feminists Say the Darndest Things: A Politically Incorrect Professor Confronts "Womyn" On Campus.