While scholars pull out their hair over what to do about the decline of Protestant churches formerly called "mainline" denominations, do not fear because Jefferts Schori has a unique answer certain to attract instant attention. She declared at a well-attended meeting in Washington D.C., that the problem is not the increasingly smaller numbers but how the Episcopal Church counts.

Yes, the Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church has spoken and now all clergy are to sneak into any preschool that rents space at the church and count them. Everyone. Yes, my brothers and sisters, the Episcopal Church is growing by leaps and bounds when we count any group of human beings, despite the fact they wear diapers, as faithful and committed Episcopalians After all, what they don't know won't hurt them. Clean off the cookie crumbs and put a crayon in their hands to make an orange X on the form stating that they are Episcopal and not part of that dreadful competitor ACNA.

And Jefferts Schori also has an answer for all the unemployed, partially employed, and totally lost Episcopal clergy. They are to go to Bartender's School. Yes, your eyesight is not going and this does not say Barbarian's School (to help them develop their technique for taking away church property from innocent Anglican Churches) or Ballistic School (which might be too helpful for Schori's taste). Yes, Bartender's School where they learn to handle the spirits of the world. Jefferts Schori seems to have had a vision about the future of Anglican clergy: While priests pour the drink, they ask the customer about his or her experience of God. I kid you not; Jefferts Schori has pronounced this.

You see, Jefferts Schori has also advocated that all Episcopal Churches count members of Alcoholics Anonymous in our shrinking (and really dissolving) numbers. And though she did not connect her new counting method with this incredibly unusual employment opportunity, quick wits immediately grasped the plan. Serve them too many drinks and recruit them as a member of AA and then count them to prove to the Anglican Communion that TEC is strong and ready to take anyone on.

Those of legal minds might wonder how vestry members are to walk into ANONYMOUS (maybe Jefferts Schori doesn't know that this word means NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW) meetings and point the finger and practice the fine art of padding dreadful church attendance numbers. These anonymous souls are in the parish hall, after all. Jefferts Schori says, Count every last one of them.

And for all priests (not only the subservient ones who actually start mixing alcoholic beverages) all priests should have office hours in Starbucks and talk to the patrons about God. Not Jesus mind you-way too out there-but a divine being that you might meet in any spiritual forum.

Jefferts Schori perks right up at the thought of this increased attendance by using her methods. She also mentions a new committee that has come up with creative uses for buildings. Her idea sounds influenced less by missionary Christians than those creative groups of raiders we know as Vikings. Take those buildings away from Anglicans and sell them.

A few folks asked some questions about why TEC is attacking the South Carolina Bishop Mark Lawrence. Jefferts Schori had an immediate response. She was not involved with this at all. Another asked about the property fights against the immensely fruitful Falls Church and other Northern Virginia Anglican churches. All VOL readers will be relieved to know that she was not involved with that either. "We need to ask the Bishop of Virginia that question."

Another older gentleman pointedly asked her to not attack the South Carolina bishop and keep the discourse civil. She said she understood what he meant but did not answer. She did acknowledge that the many lawsuits were "painful and expensive." A shrug of the shoulders seemed to conclude this conversation.

Presiding Bishop Jefferts Schori has a lot of energy (read practically gloating and licking her lips) about all of these prospective buildings. She has a vision here too, that she probably received while running. Jefferts Schori proclaimed, get a piece of property, and let Islamic folks, Jewish folks and Christian folks, why really all folks, share the building in an interfaith community. Because after all, Jefferts Schori says, we all have the very same God. Actually all humanity has the very same God. She implied that we Christians need to get over the divisive thought of the Incarnation.

There is only one rule in these new shared buildings. No proselytizing. We now edit out of the Bible that pesky verse from Matthew 28:19 "Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." Now we are to just shut up about your faith and become totally materialistic and maybe socialistic at the same time. Then we are all one and who needs that Messiah anyway. We Christians have been so "territorial" about Jesus (as Jefferts Schori has proclaimed in her recent diatribe, The Heartbeat of God.) I take it that Schori is not a fan of Dostoyevsky's The Brothers Karamazov.

After all, Dostoyevsky's Grand Inquisitor discovered this idea 130 years ago about how very divisive and irritating it is to have one Savior and Messiah for us all, Jesus of Nazareth. The Grand Inquisitor asked Jesus to leave because they had a system that works without him. Jefferts Schori now has a system which she proposes with utter seriousness.

And what theology grounds all of this new vision of bartending clergy counting little 36-inch-high beings as church members, and putting anonymous people on the record books? Schori has an answer for this also. She said, "Every morning while you are fixing your hair and brushing your teeth, look at yourself in the mirror and say 'Good morning, Beloved.'" For in Jefferts Schori's theology, every human being is the Beloved of God, despite serious human destruction wrought by them or any number of felonies committed.

After encouraging all those listening to talk to themselves while looking in the mirror at the same time, an alert listener said, "And when do the men in the white coats come?"

Precisely. Yet Jefferts Schori stated all this quite seriously to her listeners. Apparently that is her way of life: running instead of prayer, utter complacency about the ethics of taking away churches from those who disagree with her, and creative counting to hide the fact from the world that the Episcopal Church is hemorrhaging and dying.

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Sarah Frances Ives is a regular contributor to Virtueonline. She lives in Washington DC with her husband and two children