"We found a handful of closeted Christians in Albany, Central Florida and a single white male in a small rural town in Idaho, but the Episcopal gentleman there told us not to mention his name, fearing retribution from his bishop.

"My G-d, if the bishop ever found out I was a true believing Episcopal Christian, my head would be thrust down the proverbial crapper," he told the surveyor.

"I've been secretly reading my Bible and following the '28 Book of Common Prayer, and occasionally I lapse into reading the 1552 version to get a true sense of what Cranmer was trying to say, but for G-d's sake don't tell my priest. I think he suspects I might be a true Episcopal believer because I cross myself at the communion rail, but as long as I pay my tithe they leave me alone.

"Our parish desperately needs the money and we are now down to 40, mostly blue-rinse ladies still doing needle-point for kneelers, so the priest and bishop won't upset them. He leaves them alone. They also tithe, so we desperately need their money and of course mine."

Asked what he felt was the real problem and why he had to conceal his true faith, the unidentified male said, "It's the gay people who drop in and out of our parish and scream that we are all homophobic and why don't we understand their need to bugger one another. Our priest gets scared and his fear of these men and women who drop in filters down to the people, who in turn become fearful, and I have to go into hiding.

"It's really quite awful. Just the other day I saw a young Episcopal priest from a neighboring parish holding hands with a man in a gay bar, and when I later challenged him he said he was doing evangelism by listening, just like the new presiding bishop said we should do. So there. I saw them later slink off to the motel down the road, so I knew he was doing more than just 'listening.'

"When the whole parish had to do anti-racism training, 90-year old Matilda nearly died. No one had ever accused her of being racist and she shook with rage that anybody would now. Most of the ladies have only encountered a black person at their local gas station. 90-year old Mildred once heard a black man yell 'your mother' which thoroughly confused her as her mother had been dead for 50 years.

"She was especially disgusted when she was later watching television and saw a black Episcopal bishop cavorting in a gay parade with a lot of flag-waving gay and lesbian people. She nearly flipped the tea bag right out of her tea cup when she saw one man wearing a G-string that barely covered his bum...and in front of children, for G-d's sake!

"I have to tell you, Dr. Virtue, that I am starting to get the impression many Episcopalians don't really know WHO Jesus is or WHAT He came to earth to do. The last time our rector spoke at an Easter service, he said some loony thing about the cross being child abuse and most of the congregation didn't bat an eyelid. I said something to the rector later about the fact that Jesus's death might have something to do with the sins of the world, and he just poo-pooed the idea and said I was becoming a fundamentalist.

"Oddly enough, I was having lunch with my friend Joe the other day, and he is a Unitarian Universalist. When I told him what was going on in The Episcopal Church, he broke down and cried and said he'd join up next week. He said the first thing he would do is marry his partner Ed and fulfill a dream he'd had for years--to become an Episcopal priest!"

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