"Here's the castle with the bells, a world of merriment their melody foretells!" visitors to the happy land would sing as their carriages crossed the River Ouse and entered the gates of Eboracum. "How they tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, while the stars that oversprinkle, all the heavens, seem to twinkle," lovers in the happy land would croon while they nestled amid the gardens of Eboracum. "Hear the loud alarm bells, what a tale of terror, now, their tolling tells," soldiers would shout in victory as invaders were repulsed and fled from the walls of Eboracum.

But Vicious Viv was a tone-deaf witch. She hated music and detested that merry band of bell-ringers. One day in the holy season of Trinity, she summoned her Coven of Chapter Canons, and shrieked before them in agony. 'Hell's bells! The bongs of the gongs are as piercing prongs to my ears. How they clang, and clash, and roar! What a horror they outpour. They are neither man nor woman; they are neither brute nor human. They are Ghouls: And their king it is who tolls; and he rolls, rolls, rolls. I can bear no longer the sound of their songs; take from me their dings and their dongs. Find me a spell that will make ye merry band of bell-ringing minstrels disappear forever. Cleanse my castle of these creeps, let them be as chimney sweeps.'

The Coven of Canons trembled with terror in the presence of their Head Witch. Then, shivering with fear, Canon Pretender Peter Mugger rose to suggest a solution. 'We know the Grand Wizard of Eboracum Johannes Sent-to-moo who rules this castle from his palace in Misanthrope has a great and wondrous spell. It is said that Grand Wizard Sent-to-moo has a magic white collar. When he takes a pair of scissors and cuts his collar on the national witches box called television, evil giants in Africa known as Mugabes surrender in fear and stop oppressing their people.' 'Never!' screeched Vicious Viv. 'Sent-to-moo's spells don't work. His crosier wand has lost its power. His collar is not worth a dollar.'

The Coven of Canons sank deeper in their stalls. Finally, Canon Christopher "Zen" Collingwood stood to his feet. 'Om, Shanti, Om! Praise Buddha! As you were speaking, I was in deep meditation. Our new practice of chanting mantras in our castle is working. I have a solution. Bring out the great cauldron. Bring in our Book of Spells. Pick the scroll labelled Elf' and Safety Spells and the scroll labelled Management Spells for the Church edited by Grand Wizard Justin Wobbly and Reform and Renewal Under-Wizard Mike Eastwood.'

'Here's a recipe. Pour in four litres of liquid obfuscation and boil for four hours. Add 500 grams of fair trade alphabet pasta of Jargon and Gobbledegook to the boiling soup. While stirring, chant this spell: Mumbo jumbo, bumbo rumbo, arise and render the bell-ringers dumbo.' Vicious Viv and her Coven of Chapter Canons applauded in approval. They gathered around the cauldron of foul-smelling liquid obfuscation that had been brought in by the castle serfs. They threw in the pasta of Jargon and Gobbledegook. They stirred the magic potion and chanted the magic spells. Then they watched in wonder. For the alphabets had begun to rearrange themselves and spell out the solution they needed to sack the bell-ringers. Canon Pretender Peter Mugger pulled out his I-Scroll and began to copy the magic message that the Coven would use to get rid of the bell-ringers.

"It is critically important to ensure that there is a consistent approach to health and safety, governance and risk management across all of our volunteer teams. In order to make these changes, we sometimes need to close existing volunteering roles so that we can move forward with the new processes. This is what has happened with our bellringers."

(Apologies to Edgar Allan Poe)

*****

I was a bellringer at York Minster. We want to know why we were sacked

OPINION

By James Sanderson
https://www.theguardian.com/
October 15, 2106

Are health and safety concerns being used as an excuse to get rid of us? And does the dean really understand the importance of bellringing at the minster?

'I was one of the 30 members of the York Minster Society of Change Ringers who were told this week that our volunteer agreements had been terminated.' Photograph: Humphreys Owen Humphreys/PA

When I'm asked about my hobbies, I answer with all the normal things -- meeting friends, maybe going for a walk or shopping -- but also that I am a bellringer. "Where do you do that?" is a common response. And until this week, I was proud to answer: York Minster.

On Tuesday, I was one of the 30 members of the York Minster Society of Change Ringers who were told that our volunteer agreements had been terminated, and that ringing at the minster had been suspended with immediate effect.

To give some context, York Minster isn't just any tower, and it isn't easy for our happy and vibrant band to just go elsewhere. York Minster is widely considered to have one of the finest rings of bells in the world, and its team of ringers are well known across the country for the high standard of our Sunday service ringing. Our ringing peal is the fourth heaviest in the country, with the biggest bell weighing in at three tonnes. They require a great deal of skill to ring and are not suitable for new learners, with many of us honing our craft elsewhere before joining the minster band. So why have the dean and chapter suddenly decided to dismiss us? What's the problem?

Is it that our ringing is not good enough? No, we were told by Canon Peter Moger, the minster's precentor, that the minster knows our ringing is world class. Was there a problem with our ringing master's leadership? No, this was not the case.

At Tuesday's meeting, we were told that the minster had commissioned an external report on ringing which had identified health and safety risks. As a result of this -- and without any warning -- the decision was taken that ringing must stop immediately. This was a complete surprise as none of the ringers had been involved in any report, nor were we aware that it was being carried out. Most frustratingly, the minster will not share this report with us or tell us what the supposed risks were.

The minster will not share the external report with us or tell us what the supposed risks were

Ringing at the minster is carried out in much the same way as it is throughout the country. We have a particularly experienced band with years of specialist knowledge. Furthermore, the minster is a showcase tower, and maintained to a very high standard. If there was such a great risk, would it not have been preferable for the dean and chapter to work with us to resolve these issues?

The letter we received inviting us to Tuesday's meeting was dated Thursday 6 October, and so evidently these risks had already been identified; however ringing was still allowed to continue as normal on Sunday 9 October. This raises the question as to why the dean and chapter would have knowingly put us at risk on Sunday. Are health and safety concerns being used as an excuse to get rid of the ringers? And if so, why?

While we are volunteers, we are not amateurs, nor are we stuck in the past. Our highly skilled band ranges in age from 11 to 70+, and earlier this year a quarter-peal was rung by 12 members of the band under the age of 30. Our committee is made up of professionals (our treasurer is a chartered accountant, and our secretary a professional administrator). Over the past year we have won several trophies for the quality of our ringing, including the White Rose 12-bell tournament and the Sunday Service Competition for ringing teams across Yorkshire. We regularly travel together to visit other bell towers, and are planning a tour in the US and Canada in 2017. It is a tragedy that this shining example of how a ringing team should be run is now being destroyed by the actions of our own dean and chapter.

We feel that our dean, the Very Rev Vivienne Faull, has demonstrated time and again a wilful lack of understanding of bellringing at the minster. Since her arrival in York in 2012, we have invited her to meet us on several occasions, but she has repeatedly not attended. We are used to having a good relationship with dean and chapter, and in the past they have joined us for dinners and social events.

The minster has 35 bells in a carillon -- a set of bells played from an organ or similar instrument. It is the first cathedral in England to have this system.

But this is a dean who, to our knowledge, has never ascended the bell tower or seen us ring, yet was willing to speak to the press on Thursday about the risks of operating in "far-flung parts of the minster" and "working at height". As any of the ringers could have told her, no part of our ringing involves working at height: our ringing chamber is walled in on all sides and reached by a well-maintained staircase, just like the majority of bell towers across the UK.

The ringing team would welcome the opportunity to work with the dean and chapter to resolve this sorry situation, and are happy to work collaboratively towards change, as long as this is carried out in a reasonable manner and with consultation. Hopefully the people of York will hear the glorious minster bells ring out again soon, and we're optimistic this can happen. We have been overwhelmed by the support from across the world since our sacking. A petition calling for our reinstatement has so far received more than 5,000 signatures -- not bad for a supposedly quaint English tradition.

END