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Episcopal Church in an Uproar when Bishop Elect Announces he is Straight
A Satirical Essay
By David W. Virtue, DD
www.virtueonline.org
June 24, 2021
Episcopal bishop elect, James White, let it slip during an interview that he was a straight white male. This caused immediate turmoil and consternation at the Church's headquarters in Manhattan. The news blew the lid off of a Church that prides itself on LGBTQI+ solidarity.
On hearing the news, Presiding Bishop Michael Curry said he was flawed, believing that the Executive Council the HOB and HOD had managed to get rid of all the church's heterosexuals through deposition and retirement.
"I can't imagine how he escaped the pansexual net and internal spy system set up by The Church to prevent this kind of calumny happening," he told reporters at a hurriedly called press conference.
"We have been pushing for queers, transgendered folk, men and women of color, lesbians, and pansexualists of one stripe or another along with men who suffer from erectile dysfunction to be the future leaders of TEC, and to realize that someone orthodox had slipped through the net is frankly astonishing and very disturbing."
The homosexual bishop of Missouri, the Rt. Rev. Deon Johnson said he was appalled at the news. "I removed my earring and prostrated myself before the Icon of Ru Paul and begged for mercy. I just hope that he/she can forgive us for our sin of omission."
Homosexual bishop Gene Robinson and lesbian priestess Susan Russell were given prescriptions for Xanax and valium to calm their outrage. "I simply can't believe this is happening said Robinson, especially after I said "we won" over the Washington cathedral blunder."
Curry said he would call a special session of Executive Council to look at how the hell a straight white male slipped through the cracks undetected. "We can't possibly let this happen again. It will destroy our image as a 21st century woke Church," he told reporters.
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