VOL: I am here to worship plant life now that you have okayed that plants will forgive me my sins.
I want to make sure there are appropriate plants that I can worship.

SEMINARIAN: What sort of sort of plant do you have in mind, Dr. Virtue?

VOL: Preferably cactus.

SEMINARIAN: Why cactus?

VOL: When I self-flagellate I want those little spikes to really dig in and cause the blood to flow. That way I can get closer to Jesus' suffering and passion.

SEMINARIAN: Those are medieval practices, Dr. Virtue. We don't do blood-letting anymore. However, we do offer hydrangeas to confess your sins to and dandelions and the occasional rose, but we took out the thorns. No crown of thorns, definitely too dangerous. People have been known to die with crowns of thorns on their heads.

VOL: Of course. So how do I know that the plants have ACTUALLY forgiven me my sins?

SEMINARIAN: You don't, it's the thought that counts. It's more the idea of lex orandi lex credenda, the law of what is to be prayed [is] the law of what is to be believed. We pray to the plants and we believe in our heart of hearts that, before they wither and die, they have heard our prayers, forgiven us our sins, and then wilted. The greater the sin, of course, the faster the wilt. So please keep your sins to a minimum, otherwise climate change will definitely kick in and your confession will be in vain.

VOL: Thank you.